Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Part of healing from my first miscarriage came from writing it all down and sharing it with you.
In honor of all the babies lost through miscarriage or born sleeping, I would like to share about my second miscarriage. My hope is to help others heal!
Immediately after my first miscarriage, I felt a very strong need to have another baby. It felt like the only way for me to finally feel normal again.
After so many pregnancies, my body knows exactly how it feels to be pregnant. I joke that my morning sickness begins on cycle day 15. Not long after, my pants won’t button.
That being said, on July 24, 2011, I already knew. The pregnancy test was just a formality. No way was I not pregnant!
To my surprise, the pregnancy test was only faintly positive. That far into pregnancy (a touch over 4 weeks), I usually stare in shock (and happiness!) as the test very quickly shows a dark second line.
I went to bed that evening, keeping this all to myself. I would test again in the morning and see.
The next morning, the pregnancy test was so faintly positive that I had to stare really hard to see a second line. Not long after, my cycle began.
Honestly, I felt a little numb. Definitely sad, but not devastated like the first time two months earlier. I had had what doctors call a “chemical” pregnancy, when the egg is fertilized but fails to implant correctly. We have no way of knowing how common this is because most women would never suspect they were pregnant in the first place.
I prayed a lot and decided to name the baby. Naming my first loss was incredibly healing for me, and I knew it would help me heal and remember this baby, too.
God led me to strongly feel that this baby was a girl, so Sara Adrienne it was!
I felt like I needed something tangible to remember my babies by—perhaps a necklace or special little statue. After searching the internet for days, I found the perfect little ornament that hangs over my kitchen sink. I like to think of Graham and Sara hugging and playing, watching over and praying for me all the time!
My strong Catholic belief in the Communion of Saints—the connection of people just like you and me to the saints in Heaven—helps me remember my babies. Every day, I ask Graham and Sara to pray for me!
Not long after losing both babies, I had a Holy Spirit moment during mass. Somehow while juggling wiggly kids, I felt God speaking directly to me during the Holy, Holy, Holy (sanctus).
This part of the mass is when we sing, together with all the angels and saints,
Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of Hosts,
Heaven and Earth are full of Your glory,
Hosanna in the highest!
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord,
Hosannah in the highest!
I more deeply understood my connection with the saints in Heaven. As I took Holy Communion, I realized that I truly experience a taste of Heaven during every mass. I remember, sing with, pray with, and join in the Wedding Feast of the Lamb with all the saints, including baby Graham and baby Sara, each and every mass!
This realization, along with time, healed me. Of course, I wonder what those babies would’ve looked like and what their little personalities would’ve been. However, if either baby had lived, I would not have my next babies (Heath and Brooks) in my life.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8
My special prayers today are for healing and hope for anyone grieving the loss of a child. I especially pray for those carrying the cross of infertility. May God bless you all.