I just did something so dumb, so stupid, so unbelievably idiotic.
When I saw that Five Minute Friday‘s word for today was new, I knew I needed to write out my frustration. Words matter, even if it’s only five minutes of jumbled thoughts!
Friends and family know somewhat of the trials we have gone through dealing with food allergies. 10 out of 11 of us are now strictly gluten-free for various health-related reasons. To sum it up, our genes or immune systems or luck or whatever-you-want-to-call it stinks.
The kids (and a couple of friends that joined us) all had a half day of school, and my brilliant idea was to have bacon and french toast for lunch. Very doable, but I was not smart when making the french toast. Yes, I used a separate spatula and skillet for the regular wheat bread. Somehow in the chaos, I gave my severely wheat intolerant son two pieces of regular wheat french toast. He ate a half a piece before I realized it.
What went through my mind?
Anger. Feeling sorry for myself and how hard it is to deal with wheat, coconut, peanut, and milk allergies. Disbelief. Wishing I could swallow that wheat bread instead and deal with the joint pain and fatigue. Fear. Tears. A whole lotta curse words. Anger at God. How am I supposed to protect them from every crumb of wheat, every hand sanitizer and lip gloss with gluten, every hidden malt ingredient, especially when I handed my son wheat bread on a platter?
Six months and no screw ups. I can’t believe *I* did it. I figured it would be an accidental exposure from a restaurant or a food not clearly labeled. Maybe Dad or Grandma or school. Nope. It was me.
That small whisper in the back of my mind, put there by society, that I have too many kids and not enough time and attention for them? I refuse to let that enter my mind. I am a good Mom. Perhaps I will be a better Mom showing my kids that I can screw up and forgive myself. Everyone needs a new start every now and then.
I wiped my tears, thanked the Lord he wasn’t anaphylactic, gave my son an enzyme, and told him it would be fine. Because it will be fine. I am 100% human and make mistakes. Time to start over new.
Writing this out, this new ability to forgive myself, makes me actually believe it.
And so the new start begins.